Saturday, March 6, 2010

National Colonoscopy Day

I've been checking. It seems there is no "official" National Colonoscopy Day. You can Google it and get hits, but it seems there actually isn't one. Which means the federal government hasn't yet designated any particular day as National Colonoscopy Day.
SO . . . I have a suggestion. We should lobby Congress to make April 15 National Colonoscopy Day.
I have two simple reasons for this idea. First, after several years of putting it off -- for what should be REALLY  obvious reasons (don't make me tell you about the sewer snake with a camera on the end) -- I finally went to the doctor and scheduled my "screening colonoscopy." That's the procedure we're all supposed to have when the number of our years reaches 50, which happened to me a little over four years ago. It will provide "baseline data" on the health and condition of my large intestine, ideally before some nasty stuff grows in there that has the potential to decrease the number of my total accumulated years. That's important because I have promised my kids that I fully intend to live long enough to become a serious burden to them; I won't go into the diaper talk here, but I think it could make a nice blog topic for another day. It's also important because I am a pain-and-illness weenie.
So, after getting an introduction to the functional responsibilities of the various parts of my digestive tract, the doc took me to the check-out desk where a young woman looked at the doc's schedule and gave me options for the date of the upcoming procedure. April 8, the soonest, was out for me, so we settled on April 15.
Then it hit me -- THAT'S TAX DAY!! 
Then it hit me again -- I won't be the only one getting a colonoscopy that day. What irony! 
There's my second reason: As it turns out, we will ALL be getting a colonoscopy that day. Oh c'mon, don't fake righteous indignation -- you know paying taxes is a pain in the ___ and you know you have said so many times. And with all our taxes going up AGAIN this year, you know our various governments are switching to bigger cables with bigger collection snippers -- it's a completely appropriate metaphor.
Oh, sure, I'll be getting two colonoscopies on the same day this year, but you will all be joining me for one of them. That may not do much for you but you have no idea how comforting it is for me. Fortunately for you, you won't have to watch me go through either of them -- don't let that mental image linger any longer than you have to. Just know that we all feel each other's pain every April 15 anyway, and this year you can sympathize (some of you can probably empathize) with me during my second procedure on National Colonoscopy Day.
Ha ha -- you'll never think of April 15 the same way again, will you?

1 comment:

  1. I suppose it's "Milesdar" that has allowed me to not read this blog for a few days now.. i should have listened and known that this post was coming.. Furthermore, I should have stopped reading it about 6 words in and just released it entirely from my memory like a scary movie, or bad dream.. No, I read it.. The whole thing. And I'm struck by the fatigue in my butt as I clenched my way through it, as well as the gross feeling in my stomach knowing that so many people will share such an uncomfortable moment with you reading this. I guess the only thing more disturbing than the actual picture you painted was the accuracy in your metaphor. Having already paid my debt to society as a small business owner this year, I can say that while so many of our fellow american ideots proclaimed that they were ready for change, and while I sat pondering exactly how high my small business taxes would raise in order for Obama to be able to shout that our gagillion dollar deficit was worth it in order to stimulate the economy through givingcollege campuses excess money to do drug testing on monkeys. I suppose his campaign for his next election will continue to be yes we can. we can deteriorate our country morally, we can eliminate the need for any american dream, much less a working population of people with goals and expectations of a financial future, and yes we can expect that every April 15th, we'll be "stretched" a little further.. as it were. Oh "Yes I did"